Thursday, March 15, 2007

I'm responsible for AIDS and the Internet

I created, and disseminated the AIDS virus by injecting myself with an al-Qaeda engineered virus then vomited bodily fluids into the flesh wound of a green monkey, thus infecting it. I then took this monkey to the market place and let him bite children and their mothers.

A few years later I invented the Internet. Al Gore is full of horse manure and DARPA got all its good ideas from me.

Not to be outdone by my supremely planned maneuver of gassing Kurds, I seeded the skies with highly magnetized nanofibers and stimulated them with a device I invented in order to cause Hurricane Katrina.

I'm the real owner of Halliburton, and Dick takes his orders from me.

Karl Rove and I ate at the same MacDonald's as children. He was such a bully...always taking my barbecue sauce into which I loved to dip my McNuggets. May Allah cause his condiments to sour forever more. I also gave him his nickname that the Bush president claims to have originated. Slandering false-truth spouting infidel.
I cloned Thomas Edison using a fingernail snagged on the first light bulb, then forced the infidel to work for me in an underground lab in Afghanistan. His computer network is now a highly prized multi-racked farm of PS3s, which he uses to run my various terrorist-themed simulations.

I invented wide-necked t-shirts, which Armani now sells for over $250 a piece. How do you think I'll pay for the mercenaries to spring me from Gitmo? Royalties, baby. I invented them, too, then told the dirty Americans how to use them. Now I have them right where I want them. I will again cause a U.S. recession of unimagined magnitude. How? I positioned Ben S. Bernanke to replace Greenspan....muah-hah-hah-hah!I created Scientology by giving L. Ron Hubbard an overdose of LSD, from which he never fully recovered. His hallucinations came to fruition in his construction of the existence of Thetans. This being said, you must know that Tom Cruise is a walking timebomb, trained to kill should I decide to utter the keyword from my powerfully hairy voicebox. All that kung-fu mumbo-jumbo he learned in all those Mission Impossible films was merely a facade to cloak my sinister plot of using him to kill the Queen, as depicted in "The Naked Gun", which I also adapted for the silver screen.

Kenneth Eng is my crowning cybernetic achievement in the sublime art of nonsensical, pedantic and sophomoric interpretations of solipsism, superseded solely by me as he was merely endowed with a fraction of my engrams.

Lastly, I am the real father of Britney Spears' children. She could not resist my powerful hairy charms. K-Fed was a robot I constructed to make everything look appear normal. Now she is crazy because I am not available to shave her nether-regions The paparazzi, which I invented, ate up the lies I wove into my rich tapestry of invention and innovation.

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