Thursday, March 22, 2007

It's tough being a DVD-sniffing dog

If you're a dog, living in Malaysia, and trained to sniff for plastic, then you might have the life expectancy of a Double O agent.

Crime lords who recently lost (an estimated) $3 million shipment of pirated games and movies apparently put it out on the grapevine that they want the pups dead. As dead as how de Niro articulates when portraying Al Capone in The Untouchables: "I want him..DEAD! I want his family...DEAD! I want his house...burnt down to THE GROUND...I wanna go there in the middle of the night and piss on his ashes!"

Needless to say, the dogs have been placed into protective custody (a bullet proof doghouse), and wear Kevlar doggie vests 24 hours a day. A special troupe of "poison-tasting" dogs have been conscripted from local pounds to sample each meal. Several dog advocate groups have filed suits against the Malaysian government for the alleged unfair duty being assigned to the conscripts. Several government officials have made off-the-record comments indicating that the dead poisoned dogs are being used to help American relief efforts in Iraq, as a plan suggested by Darth Vader (I mean, Karl Rove). The deal involves the Malaysian government selling the deceased dogs to Iraq for use in their meat processing plants.
Rove was quoted as saying, "Hell, who are we to say it's wrong to eat dog!? It's not like they don't purge all the poison from the dog before they render its flesh into tasty kabob-sized morsels! I'm just happy that we were able to liberate these backwards people and give them a job processing dead poisoned dogs that end up being sold in stores across that beautiful country, so their newly democratized children have something to eat other than dirt, which now contains 1000 parts of glass and shrapnel per 1 ounce clod!"

When asked if Rove had ever sampled the dogmeat, he responded, "No, my evil keeps me full during the day, and it's like a warm blanket at night."

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