Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Miss Spears to scatter hair in gesture of support for Kyoto Protocol

Sales of Mr. Clean posters increased today, while stock on Turtle Wax for Baldies jumped sharply in the market. Analysts at Jupiter Research indicated the trend was loosely tied to recent actions of the naughty schoolgirl from down south. Ebay auctions involving her hair have exploded on the site in the past fews days. Wig investors will be following the behavior.
Insider sources said that the bizarre behavior isn't easily explained, and that Miss Spears realizes she's got a first-class ticket for the busride to Nutsville: population - her. Witnesses at the salon where she sheared her locks heard a phone conversation she had prior to the cutting. Spears was quoted as saying "I have asked him! He told me, 'No way am I getting my fingerprints on that trainwreck...what did I say, Amtrak?'"

Witnesses speculated that Miss Spears was referring to her former husband and fry cook, K-Fed. A subsequent poll taken on the internets suggested that people are now more certain that it was a bad thing that these two people actually bred to pass on their genetic material. Over 60% of poll respondents who indicated their approval of her haircut stipulated that she has a bad head for the shaved look, and another 30% spoke straight from their gut, and indicated that she looked like a Chernobyl child and although they wouldn't be able to adopt her and toss in her in the back of the family SUV because she's a Commie-Pinko, she does kinda looks like Merle and Wanda's daughter over in Heckler's Falls, so there was general empathy for her self-imposed baldness.
Meanwhile, in more important and less brain-rotting news that actually has some far-reaching social relevance, San Francisco welcomed the Year of the Golden Pig and Barack Obama, while defense analysts are postulating that flight patterns for helicopters in Iraq should be varied as it's easier to shoot things out of the sky when you know when they'll be flying over your head.

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