Friday, February 2, 2007

666 You're the beast, Tom Cruise

That lovable and hyperlitigous group we all love...
put your hands together for...
SCIENTOLOGISTS [whoo-hoo!]...

...has just declared that Tom Cruise is Christ for the Church of Xenu! Apparently, David Miscavige, head pod-person for the church, likened Maverick to the big J.C. because he's such an amazing spokesperson for the "religion". Most likely, this claim is heavily supported by the fact that Tom Cruise is a deeply sane and un-glib person, and because he's bankrolling a film (because every other studio didn't want their fingerprints on that trainwreck) called "The Thetan", in which David Beckham's wife, aka Posh Spice, will be playing the alien bride.

Did the world just drop a large hit of acid and didn't Tom learn from Travolta's "Battlefield Earth"? Since when does a based on the ramblings of a failed sci-fi writer grow big crazy balls big enough to support this kind of parallel?

You know what Scientology is? It's the WWE of religion. That's right. It's religion-lite for those people who can't find one of the other faiths rich in spiritual goodness fully satisfying. It's for those folks who find that spending gobs of money on "clearing" themselves in order to achieve spiritual bliss the more appealing option. It's the new AA for the 2000s: it's where anyone who's anyone goes to build their social network because the conspicuous consumption is so damn sexy.
Minor digression: doesn't it strike you as an odd co-inkydink that "scientology" sounds a lot like "strategery"? Doesn't seem strange to me....why?'s because neither are real! Yay!

Do you know what tenets the "Church" is founded on? Get this [snicker]: many years ago (in a galaxy far, far away) Xenu, this overlord from another world, decided to send all these Thetans (aliens) to Earth. Then he detonated their ships near mountains with nuclear weapons, which caused all these volcanoes to erupt (which is why you see this imagery depicted in Dianetics) effectively killing all the Thetans (also called the Xenu Incident). The dead Thetans inhabit and comprise human bodies. Have you clicked away yet?

No...good. It's the ghosts of these Thetans, who now inhabit us, that make us unable to become the best that we can be, so the Church was set up to clear us of the Body Thetan salty ghost energy. Members pay for classes to become Operating Thetan (OT)-1, OT-2, etc. The higher up you are, the "clearer" you are. Make sense? No? No, it doesn't.


Whatever, I have to go check out that new sushi roll that looks like one of the Virgin Mary's sexy curls. Man, could they whip up hair in Judea back in the day!

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