Doctor: Hello Mr Ficken, how are feeling today?Good times. You gotta be able to joke about this. At least I do. Probably one of my coping mechanisms, and as I said before I need commit to this in mind, body, and soul.
Me: Fucking great doc! Are we going to kill this bitch today or what?
Doctor: Er, uh, ahem...wouldn't you just prefer that I tell you how the drugs are going to affect the tumor from a chemical perspective, and then highlight the physiological effects while at the same time not really being able to relate to the experience from a personal level because, God forbid I ever contract that nastiness?
Me: Go for it, doc! I'm all ears!
Doctor: Well I'm prescribing Trykillitol for the chemo therapy. Side effects of this drug may include nausea (you might as well tack that on for every single one I am going to review with you), headaches, neuropathic sensations, rectal bleeding, and forehead growth. Basically, it'll make you feel like you're walking on vomitous pins and needles and you'll look like a cross between Ted Danson and Rihanna, but not as famous or wealthy.
Me: Wow, that sounds shitty!
Doctor: Well, I wouldn't know, but there are some other drugs I'm going to prescribe to you that'll help treat the chemo side effects.
Me: Wow! That sounds great! Now I have something to help manage the side effects!
Doctor: I'm going to give you Vomitex for anti-nausea, Brickassium for anti-nausea, and Tripoutphorin for anti-anxiety. Side effects of Vomitex and Brickassium include turning your bowels to quick setting cement, headaches, sex crimes, fingernail explosions, renal farting, and uncontrollable facial tics.
Me: Wow! That sounds even shittier!
Doctor: As I said, I wouldn't know. This is just what I hear from the pharma reps.
Me: Great! Where do I sign up for this treatment?
Doctor: Well, lucky for you the nurse already started you on the IV while we were talking, so you're on the chemo right now, and the prescription is in your wife's hand.
Me: Wow! I'm like totally unecessary in these transactions! Can you beam the cancer into a cloned goat fetus and simply circumvent all this medical nonsense?
Doctor: Those treatments are all in the beta phase of testing, and are actually just science fiction. I don't know why I played into that bit of nonsense you just spouted.
If anyone is quitting smoking, consider Chantix.