Something just doesn't seem very right here

In light of recent loss of American jobs, a crumbling mortgage market, and increasing costs passed onto consumers, i.e. United's $25 luggage fee there's just something unsettling about a company that posts record annual and quarterly profits for a product that's tied to global warming and our war on terror.

Exxon made $40.6 billion in profit by providing petroleum products in 2007. Annual revenue was at $404.5 billion. This isn't the company's first record-breaking honor, either. They posted $10.49 billion in the third quarter of 2006, the second largest quarterly profit ever posted by a publicly traded American company.

I know we need to continue to suckle from the gas teat a bit more, but when we're facing economic concerns and a country-wide identity crisis, having Exxon stand out as the most profitable entity ever just doesn't seem right. It seems...evil. Our spending on maintaining offense, or rather, defense, is egregiously high, and our penal system is a cash cow.

Why aren't we spending less on prisons and 'defense', and allocating more on beefing up our horribly arcane education systems that consistently fails to produce enough graduates needed for 21st Century jobs...that is unless you're the fortunate handful who come from money (or score a scholarship) and get to enroll at Andover and fast-track your ass to Harvard.

I don't buy the notion that folks who sell dimebags are going to ruin the country. Folks like Skilling and Lay will, though.

I get the laissez-faire capitalist mantra that the market will provide, but there needs to be a measure of equality introduced because the market players aren't concerned about making just enough money...it's about maximizing profits, an approach that places value on products and services that see a faster turnaround. This explains why educators and social workers make pennies compared to a code monkey: efforts spent on people don't always equate to a dollar value unless studied under under a longitudinal lens, while software elicits a *relatively* immediate return of investment.

Why anyone these days gets their Masters or Ph.D in education or social work should be canonized, because it's HIGHLY unlikely they're ever going to make it back. I digress into bitterness...excuse me.

Well...at least Romney's out of the race. Sorry, but his spooky Mormon ass spooked me. Any politician from a religion that's an 'American' brand of Christianity (i.e. Joseph Smith finding lost Golden Plates containing ancient script only decipherable by him and that can't be viewed by anyone) is spooky.

Yep. I'm rooting for the Creationist because, heck, I think the separation of Church and State is downright heretical. You disagree? You must be a minion of Lucifer...
...
Not really.

Praise the Lord and beat your wife for birthing your gay son

So I might offend some of you, but you're going to have to deal with it. It's OK. You'll always have Christ and I know that you Christ because you care.

Not to mock the big JC, but do some Christians really believe that God hates gay people...or at least gay cowboys?

Well, I guess if you're in some 'Christian' circles they do given the protest of Heath Ledger's funeral by the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, KS. Apparently this 'house of the Lord' is protesting funeral of the actor because he played a gay cowboy in 'Brokeback Mountain'.

Their website has a sweet, yet chastising domain name. I wish they made hats because I don't know anyone who wouldn't want to wear one of these messages of eternal love: GodHatesFags.com. Isn't that cute?! I totally want to put a little smiley face emoticon here! Yay!

Ironically and coincidentally enough, FoxNews, a bastion for neo-con repressive sentiment and 'anti-liberal' views, has lots of juicy details. FoxNews: a place where Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Bob Allen, or Ted Haggard would feel comfortable talking about the 'dangers' of homosexuality...that is...er...until after all of the...ahem...indiscretions. Ahem.

I digress.

I'm so glad that people like this exist, because they really help define the spectrum of religious zealotry. We have some people so caught up in hatred and self-righteous judgment that they don't seem to mind to exhibit hate group actions by protesting a funeral. Granted, this action may draw some more git-r-dun folks to Topeka, and their website will see some hits, but in the end what's really going to happen?

Heath Ledger will leave an impressive body of work behind, while a nasty, ignorant, and dare I say dangerously homogeneous, 'church' will bitterly wither away, choking on its own spite, for I'm sure more than a handful of that lovely house of the Lord have some parishioners that are finding their same-sex pray partner a little more interesting than constant messages of myopic hate.

Hate it up, haters. Let it burn you up so it frees up space for better people.

Tom Cruise: a walking, talking space opera...David Bowie is jealous

Ground control to Major Tom...

We've seen this coming for some time.

First, he was an unstoppable blockbuster force.

Then, he was a mysterious, androgynous (closet?) enigma.

Then, he erupted into bizarre career-deathing activities with Matt Lauer.

Then...damage control consisted of getting him a gig to appease the Germans who absolutely hate his culty ass.

Finally, or rather I should say, and most recently, his 9+ minute manical, self-serving, cryptic soapboxing of the 'church' of Scientology streaks across the internets.

Doesn't anyone with a high school degree...oh wait...Tom doesn't have one...or at least a modicum of intelligence and rationale thought (oooo...sorry Tom, looking a couple kids short of a Brady Bunch on that one, too) know that it isn't a religion, and really just a manifestation of

1. L. Ron Hubbard's failed sci-fi ramblings and
2. proof that there's a sucker born every minute and with Tom heading the propaganda at least some sheep appear to be flocking to the wolf?

Scientology persists because folks running the show realized that a religious institution benefits from wonderful tax breaks. The 'church' remains venemously litigious to maintain that shield because without it, the honeymoon is over. A recent example is how it responded to Gawker posting the video.

Well, even with his own studio (the recently defunct United Artists, which he 'got' after Paramount dumped his crazy ass), and a would-be Bryan Singer-helmed Hitler-killer movie to woo the Germans he still manages to come across like the person we always knew he was. I'm going to go out on a limb here, but I think he suffers from the malady known as 'crazier than a shithouse rat', which I thought was always a funny saying because the mental image of a rodent kickin' it in the outhouse gnawing on corn dogs just conjures the chuckles out of me.

I don't think I'll ever be able to pay to watch another film of his ever again. Did you see the video that's been making the rounds?

WTF? Why does some of that nonsense he's spewing sound like D&D talk? Apparently, this video was culled from a longer, more agonizing 3 hour version that was blasted in the face of 'parishioners' just before Tom went on stage to accept a humanitarian award: the 'Freedom Medal of Valour'. Ahem.

Where was Tom when I was in that car accident and needed to use a phone? He never flew out of the sky and helped me change a tire.

To me, he's just so glib. Yer glib Tom! YER GLIB!

24 hours between trains during Winter

Wet weather seems to bring out different behavior on BART.

The train this morning was pretty full. More people want the safety and sanity of transportation that runs on rails and isn't prone to careless brakers or lane-changers. I'm standing in the middle of the aisle, reading Fahrenheit 451, when this gentlemen gets on board and stands RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

Now the train isn't that full...not the full that the after work rush gets where everyone is packed like sardines and you can't help but be all up in someone's space.

No. This morning's train was moderately full, but this guy decided that he needed to brace himself against me. I know what you're thinking...he wasn't getting overly friendly...he was, for some reason, dead set against not moving from his spot and didn't mind if his shoe soles were nestled up on mine. Of course, he wanted to rub elbows as well...just to let me know that he cared. I didn't have much room, to reposition, and even if I did, I find it rude that some people get in your space in order to attempt to claim it. So I kept elbowing back (this is all very childish I know), and eventually he calmed down a little.

I kept thinking...what if this is all a set up and this guy's trying to get on peoplebehavingbadly.com or something. He was definitely on par with the elevator lady.

I kept kicking myself for not having this clever video device my sister showed me...I'd have filmed the whole thing and put it up on youtube. Unfortunately, all I have are his bad manners to remember...and some slight indentations on the side of my shoe.

The funny thing is...well not so much funny...was that almost 24 hours previously, I was at 12th Street waiting to get on and notice this dude slumped over on the brick stairwell rail. Not too remarkable. Then I noticed the sharp, tangy smell of partially digested food and see that homeboy had just booted his sauce onto the platform. It looked pretty fresh too. Chunky in the right places, and thin and runny in the others. Well, if I'd had the proper video equipment you'd be able to participate in that lovely slice of citizen journalism.

BART just seems to be so much more interesting during Winter...especially closer to the holiday weeks. I guess it's because of Christmachannukwanzaa, and of course, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.

Rumors on the internets can get you a fabulous stay in an undisclosed location

Have you heard of the Violent Radicalization and Homegrown Terrorism Prevention Act of 2007?

The House passed it on October 27, 2007 404-6, and it's on its way to the Senate. I'm kicking myself because it always seems like these types of issues come up AFTER they've passed. Of course, the Senate needs to approve as well, and Dubya needs to remember to not use his banana to sign it into law, but it looks pretty clear: this is going to happen.

An excerpt from the legislation, sponsored by Democratic Rep. Jane Harman states:

The Internet has aided in facilitating violent radicalization, ideologically based violence, and the homegrown terrorism process in the United States by providing access to broad and constant streams of terrorist-related propaganda to United States citizens.

Taken by itself, it's not surprising to hear: I'm sure terrorist cell members are using gmail, although they might not be tracking their actionable items on Google Groups.

The legislation establishes a committee comprised of:

• one member shall be appointed by the President from among officers or employees of the executive branch and private citizens of the United States;
• one member shall be appointed by the Secretary;
• one member shall be appointed by the majority leader of the Senate;
• one member shall be appointed by the minority leader of the Senate;
• one member shall be appointed by the Speaker of the House of Representatives;
• one member shall be appointed by the minority leader of the House of Representatives;
• one member shall be appointed by the Chairman of the Committee on Homeland Security of the House of Representatives;
• one member shall be appointed by the ranking minority member of the Committee on Homeland Security of the House of Representatives;
• one member shall be appointed by the Chairman of the Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs of the Senate; and
• one member shall be appointed by the ranking minority member of the Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs of the Senate.

This committee meets to:

Examine and report upon the facts and causes of violent radicalization, homegrown terrorism, and ideologically based violence in the United States, including United States connections to non-United States persons and networks, violent radicalization, homegrown terrorism, and ideologically based violence in prison, individual or ‘lone wolf’ violent radicalization, homegrown terrorism, and ideologically based violence, and other faces of the phenomena of violent radicalization, homegrown terrorism, and ideologically based violence that the Commission considers important.

Now, this may seem relatively harmless posturing on the Dems to demonstrate proactive measures to combat terrorism, and it very well may be...but the spirit imbuing this legislation could very easily be used to start persecuting you for thoughtcrime: What are you doing visiting the Al-Jazeera website anyway? The Economist...why don't those sneaky intellectuals sign their articles, and why did you leave an anonymous comment on that anti-American story? Hmm...I think we'll need to detain you for questioning. Please slip this black eyeless bag over your head and draw the cord. You won't be away from your loved ones for very long. Don't bother packing any luggage. We'll take care of that for you.

Don't think the legislation could creep, like a poorly managed software development lifecycle? Check out the page on the State of Alabama's Homeland Security website (page recently removed, but archived...thank you Internets) statement on 'anti-government' groups. Then take the interactive quiz just for fun! Yay!

Does that mean if we, American taxpayers, are supporting the procurement of weapons for Afghan or pro-American fighters are transforming our country's government into one smacking of socialism, thus undermining the God-given right of pulling yourself up by the bootstraps? If that's the case, how about we just ditch drugs patents (bite my sac Phizer), stop immortalizing doctors, and introduce universal healthcare.

Heart: it's not just the classic rock female duo

VP Cheney's doctors found that he had an irregular heartbeat today.

[wait for it]

Most of his physicians were more surprised by the fact that they even found a heartbeat at all.

"I've been his doctor for over 10 years, and I've never heard more than a rattling rusty nail type sound coming my stethoscope", said a physician identifying himself as "'one of Cheney's caregivers'".

The White House was quick to issue a statement designed to deflate concern. In it, White House spokesperson, Dana Perino, indicated that Cheney had already been released from the hospital, and was enjoying some leisurely quail hunting on his friend's ranch and was contentedly shooting his GOP backers in their faces.

When asked for a comment, his Dark Lord and Creator Satan replied, "Dick is a helluva guy. He's done a bang-up job up there, and if it was up to me I'd let him stay on Earth for the next 2 millennia. Hell, if I did, I wouldn't need to worry about how to usher in the Apocalypse! Ol' Dead Eyes would handle it for me. But, there are rules. I was playing poker with the Axis leaders from dubbleya dubbleya two, and lost to Stalin. We'd played on who'd receive the honor for killing more of his own people, and it looks like Cheney's gonna lose that one. Sorry Dick! You can fault that sneaky Russian for killing his own soldiers, but he's a truly a skilled gentleman at Texas Hold 'Em"

When asked for his comments, Sen. Trent Lott indicated he wished his GOP buddy the best, saying that he'd always held the Number 2 spot in his 'private list of favorites', the Number 1 being reserved for Sen. Strom Thurmond (ret), of course. Then after banging his left fist over his left chesticle, he threw up a deuce, kissed it, threw down the mic, yelled out "I'm audi-5 bitches!", walked through the crowd and said "and when I leave, come together like butt cheeks". AP reporters took this as an indication that Sen. Lott was tendering his resignation.

While there is a risk that VP Cheney could develop blood clots which could result in aneurysms and thus a stroke, most Americans polled didn't seem to find this to be much of a concern, as the President was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor, stunning his physicians who had collectively agreed that there were no indications that he ever possessed a brain. Indeed, all Presidential cranial imaging on file indicated that his skull housed visions of sugarplum fairies, which doctors theorize danced through his head.

Needless to say, should the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi becomes President, Mitt Romney vowed to return to his Mormon roots and give up his run for the Oval Office: a statement which drew cheers from reporters covering today's monumental events.

please note: this is not real news, as it's not fair to link Satan and VP Cheney...that would be unfair to Satan (thanks Ann Coulter!)

Dog Shoots Man

You might've heard of Man Bites Dog, the Belgian film from '92, in which documentary film makers follow the activities of a serial killer. Well this movie has nothing to do with the recent shooting of a man by his own dog. The AP story provides pleasant details, but for some reason it reminded me of another relatively recent 'hunting accident' involving Satan, I mean ol' Dick. Cheney.

In case you didn't see the John Stewart Show in which the eponymous host presented the topic, I highly recommend its viewing.

Accidentally shooting someone in the face. I'm actually not surprised to hear it coming from the man who drops eff-bombs on his fellow politicians. I'm wondering if we can pair up this trigger-happy dog* and our respected veep so the two can enjoy a relaxing pheasant hunt together.

[scene: crossing a stream, the dog and he come upon an open meadow]
(Cheney): What a wonderful effing day. I love bringing death. Sparky?
(Sparky): Woof.
(Cheney): Sparky...what are you doing with that shotgun?
(Sparky): Woof.
(Cheney): (silent confusion permutes to understanding then horror) No...
(Sparky): Woof.
(Cheney): SPARKY!! NOOOOO!!!!!
(Sparky): Woof. (shotgun discharges)
[fade to black]

* I'm aware that dogs are not sentient beings, and although they are completely lovable in all their tail wagging goodness, they would never shoot another person on purpose. Actions such as those are relegated to higher lifeforms such as ourselves. Food for thought or just more reason to love the fact that we have opposable thumbs, which improve our gripping ability on the deep earth tones of the walnut stock on our collective pappy's 30-06.

Null

That was today's headline in my daily email notification from the NY Times.

Null. Null, I asks myself?

Was there an intern at the Times who neglected to update a field in some arcane script that populates the subject line of an email? Was there a solar flare aimed directly at the mail server at the Times? Did Blackwater spew a horrible cocktail of Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears' bathwater all over the MIS group, thus incapacitating the staff with their collective egregious funk and prevented every one of them from pressing the 'Enter' key at a crucial moment? The world may never know.

What is even bigger news is that I won the captioning contest at my work. We get a company-wide bi-monthly email in which a wonderful cartoon by the late great Bill Keane is presented sans caption. Employees are invited to provide a witty comment, preferably relevant to the search industry, specific to the company, and must give the reviewers a decent chortle.

What brilliant humor earned me a $25 GC for iTunes, Starbuck's, Peet's, or a local coffee house? Well here it is...and remember...it's dork humor, so put on your dork hat and dork it up, dorky!

I haven't been this happy since I found that handful of Milk Duds at the bottom of my backpack.

I'm making good on my commitment

I mentioned a while ago this book, The Cult of the Amateur, by Andrew Keen. I've not been writing much because I'm trying to burn through this thing so I can comment on this...how should I describe it...provocative expose on how the digital age, Web 2.0, the internet are causing a process of cultural retardation.

The basic premise is that the nature of the internet is allowing people to dilute truth, and we are to blame for our own infatuation with ourselves, hence, the cult of the amateur. He raises some valid points about Wikipedia and its 'questionable' editing and (non-existent) vetting process, but then he states that Craigslist causes people to lose their job because of the fewer dollars spent on advertising.

My garage sale posting must've done horrible things for DoubleClick.

I'm withholding final judgment until I finish, but I find it difficult because as I find myself agreeing with some points, for the most part he sounds like an elitist who wields his research like a Protestant orator on the pulpit warning of the fires of hell that will consume non-believers. He delivers bitter tirades on bloggers and his generalist derisions liken them to negligent parents. In his eyes, every blog's link subsequently linked to another blog (aka: an unreliable source of information) muddies the water of truthery as the ensuing circle of misinformation threatens to drown us in confusion and mindless noise.

What's that, you ask? Does Andrew Keen have a blog? Why, yes he does! That magnanimous fellow conveys a upon himself a mantle of praise and humble awareness (he earned his stripes in Silicon Valley, and nonchalantly deemphasizes their significance while simultaneously giving a knowing wink as they offer credence to his tale), while providing links to Amazon and Barnes and Noble where you can buy his books. I think he's secretly jealous of the Daily Kos and is trying to generate swirl for himself.

It's an interesting read for certain, and he does circuitously make the point that you need to be careful about what you find as "fact" on the internets, but for the most part it's a hypocritical and somewhat myopic treatise with periodic nuggets of critical thought.

If you don't like what's out there in the ether, then stay out of those neighborhoods and stay abreast of events from reliable sources. It's like TV. Don't like it? Don't watch it, but stay aware of it...the whole "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" bit. Blurbs from Wikipedia should be taken with a grain of salt...of course you could always see who made the edits before you quote the site's articles in your term paper.

More later. Must finish reading tirade on the evils of YouTube and search engines and how horrible it is that Clear Channel or Viacom, two of the largest communication and media giants that control cultural mediums such as radio, cable stations, movie production houses, internet properties, and more have to "let go" of smaller underperforming stations. It's too bad that a handful of companies can't maintain a stronger grip on the vehicles by which we receive our news and entertainment. I'd prefer that one company have control over all my media because one opinion is better than a varying point of views.

Down J...must...reserve...judgement...only halfway through...maybe he'll start proposing solutions or alternatives as opposed to pointing fingers.

Asterisk

Did you know that Mark Ecko, the fashion designer, bought Barry Bond's Hank Aaron 756th homerun ball?

Ecko then set up a site for people to vote on what to do with the ball. The options were:

1. Send the ball to Cooperstown as is, where it'd be inducted into the Hall of Fame.
2. Mark the ball with an asterisk, signifying the cloud of doubt on the issue of whether Bond's used steroids was deliberate, and then send to Cooperstown for admission.
3. Send the ball into space, and effectively banishing it.

The results are in (I voted for asterisk) with over 10 million votes submitted. 47% voted to first mark the ball with an asterisk and send it to Cooperstown.

The fact that he bitched and moaned and whined about how everyone was trying to tear him down even before the steroid issue didn't exactly make him a likable figure in the game, and once all the issues about "the clear and the cream" came out and he went on the defensive to purport his innocence (he said he didn't know they were steroids) and reiterated that people were trying to bring him down just like they did his dad it didn't really help sweeten his image.

What if he had exerted a little more energy to be a "likable" guy...maybe hired some spin doctors? It's not like he wasn't a capable athlete. Would there had been such a controversy? Maybe, but had he been a 'lovable rogue who was out there playing the game the way he meant to', I bet Mark Ecko would've never bought the ball, and there wouldn't have been such a stink about the matter. We still might've had the steroid investigations and the banning of performance enhancement substances in the MLB, but Bonds would probably have gotten to stay with the Giants...now he gets to wrap up his career as he lived it: bitterly.

Ol' Blackwater keep on rollin'

Except this isn't the Doobie Brothers singing for the Mississippi to keep on shining.

So we had a recent troop surge, but not included in the hundreds of thousands of U.S. Armed Services we have over in the Middle East are private contractors. While some of these folks are harmless little hamsters like those lovable rogues in Halliburton, who stroll around in their WTO embossed jackets, others are big angry men who kick down doors and kill bad guys...but who aren't accountable to anyone.

The Iraqi Interior Ministry recently revoked Blackwater USA's license, which effectively negates the legality of them operating on Iraqi soil. Allegedly, a convoy of Blackwater escorted SUVs containing US State Dept was attached by a group of Sunnis, and the contractors and Sunnis engaged in a 20 minute gunfight, resulting in the deaths of 8 civilians and wounding 11 others.

You could say, 'that's what those Sunnis get for attacking 'Merkins', or 'that's not gonna be good for Blackwater USA stock', or 'that's a good sign that democracy is taking root and this action by the Iraqi government is a manifestation of a new independent state taking steps to protect itself', but what I would be saying if you happen to catch me in a pub with a wee draught of the good stuff is, 'damn. that's a sweet deal for the Blackwater guys...they get to travel the world and operate in secret and kill folks and not be accountable for their actions and get paid sweet sums of money and diamonds yanked from the teeth of rich Iraqi children!' What can I say, I'm a cynical drunk.

Haven't heard about any of this? It's all over the internets. Don't get me wrong, if I was a U.S. State Dept official in that convoy and I was attacked I'd want someone there to assist in getting my ass out of there in one piece, however, I think that task best be left to actual combat troops of the U.S. because they're better equipped to deal with these situations. In addition to the combat training U.S. soldiers are taught to understand the importance of winning hearts and minds, and killing civilians isn't generally a best practice measure in such an endeavor.

On the other hand, if you're in the State Dept and you're accompanied by Blackwater, or you're an 'insurgent', and you all have guns and bombs and you don't like each other and are fixin to spill some blood, how much does morality matter as long as your ass lives to fight another day?

What I mean is that in hiring mercenaries for certain jobs in Iraq:
1) it's a sign that the White House was planning to do some effed up isht, because it's on par with farming out torture to other countries, like our "sworn" enemy, Syria.
2) it doesn't make me feel good about my taxpayer dollars going to fund a such an organization because a) they are accountable to no one, and b) they tarnish the mental connection I have between the word 'blackwater' and The Doobie Brothers.

More on memes with Internet People

So I recently revived the term, mememail. In the same vein, Dan Meth created a short video about "Internet People". It's a Flash montage of memeish material and phenomena that's coursed through the Internets over the years. Things like, Tay Zonday's "Chocolate Rain" (check him out live on Jimmy Kimmel), "Dick in a Box", Stephen Colbert roasting Prez Bush, Jib-Jab parodies, You're the man now dog, G.I. Joe voice overs (you should check these out...one of my favs is the dancehall remix), Ashley Simpson's weird jig on SNL, etc. Check it out.

Tap dance your way out of repression

Quite possibly the funniest thing I've seen this month...

From a loving Senator: I am not gay, but am willing to learn if someone shows me the dance moves. I am rather adept in toe-tapping. I wonder if that's how he courts his wife. Hey honey...check out my footwork...I'll make your body feel like Gregory Hines was making some White Nights at noon, baby...just make sure you dress up like one of the Village People.

Poor guy. So repressed and alienated that he was forced to find a hot strange date in an airport bathroom, which aren't exactly known for pleasant smells and cleanliness I might add. Airport b-rooms everywhere are like those in emerging countries, not that there's anything wrong with emerging countries, of course. Needless to say, the linkage between family values and the GOP seems to be growing weaker with each inappropriate bathroom stall maneuver.

Any-who, Romney went on to make the comparison of Sen. Craig's behavior to Mark Foley and Bill Clinton...hello...Bill Clinton scored a BJ with a consenting adult and didn't hurt anyone. Kenneth Starr and the GOP mafia took care of the hurt by laying a smack down on the taxpayer's pocketbook. Craig's probably been living with some serious self-hatred issues and Foley was trying to fondle an underage page's prepubescent unit. I don't really see the comparison there Romster, but then again, he's the bozo who publicly declared that he thinks we should have two Guantanamo Bay prisons.

I'll bet he'd turn it into a closet gay Republican love nest.

At last - everything is done for me!

This is great news! I'm so looking forward to the next round of freedom laws that further chip away at civil liberties! It's great to be in a free society, because it's so easy to give away your freedom!

I'm glad my phone conversations and emails can be monitored by the NSA, if I happen to contact someone outside of the U.S. I can completely see the rationale in needing to see if my email to London is going to a terrorist. I'm not worried that this violation of privacy will ever impact me personally because how could a government with a completely endless and rich source of information on every single person's digital behavior that rivals those of Google's, Visa's, and Amazon's be a threat to me? It's not like they can build a profile of every single person in the U.S. then cross-reference that instance with a previously created index of terrorists (culled from Cheney's secret torture chamber diary), then pre-emptively detain you for questioning. That's preposterous.

Who needs checks and balances? Why should we care if Cheney claims he's neither part of the Executive or Legislative branch so he can't be held accountable in either? I think it's totally acceptable that Dubya extends executive privilege to Karl "Turdblossom" Rove. Why are so many people upset about the fact that Rove isn't an elected executive official, yet entitled to be above the law? Makes total sense to me because he's smart enough to fool the entire nation to put Dubya in office for a second term, then he's good enough to not have to explain his role in outing an undercover CIA operative because her husband foolishly made critical remarks about ol' monkeyface.

We don't need governmental transparency...I prefer opaque and nebulous and muddy to clear and pure. It's a good thing we hazy logistics personnel in place in the Pentagon, otherwise we wouldn't have been able to lose 192,000 U.S.-taxpayer supplied weapons in Iraq? I'd rather lose money on guns than on Jim Bakker's PTL corrupt faith-based ministry, which was taken over by the even more diabolical Jerry Falwell.

People need to stop worrying so much about the war and governmental accountability and personal liberty and national priorities and just get back to focusing on what's real important...like having your 17th baby (praise the Lord!) or whether or not Branjolina will break up...or if Lindsey Lohan's SCRAM until was foiled by ice cubes.

Prez Dick Cheney...Dick Boom?

Quite possible the most disturbing fact of Dubya's recent surgery was the fact that during the time of his medically-induced unconsciousness where doctors removed polyps from his colon (they were really lumps of Playdoh he ate, thinking they were dumplings) Cheney assumed the role of President of 'Merka.

I totally neglected to note this, but Mark Morford from SFGate.com did not. Oh man is his piece good.

Highlights:

While most Americans were completely unaware that the temporary transfer had taken place, the response from the collective body was nevertheless nearly instantaneous, as millions across the nation reported feeling some sort of unnerving wave of dread, something dark and ominous and stifling, like a collective shudder, a giant musty pillow jammed over the mouth of life itself, a great, low moan of deep, chthonic pain.

The stories were as shocking as they were, you know, titillating. "We were totally having wicked sex in the tailgate of my Subie," said Brandon "Bran Flakes" Zander, 22, a surfer from Redondo Beach, sitting next to his "smokin' hot" girlfriend, Amber, 19. "When all of a sudden, right in the middle of the good s--, boom, everything sorta went limp, you know? Like some dude yanked the plug from the love toaster, right? We just sorta look at each other like, WTF? We decided to fire up a spliff and wait it out."

"Two little words," said Dr. Alan Lenner of the Phenomenology Research Institute in Bethesda, MD, glancing around nervously as if his next utterance would cause lightning to strike him dead. 'President Cheney,'" he whispered. At that exact moment, a woman's terrible scream could be heard in the distance, a pack of wolves howled, and once again that long, low moan reverberated throughout the land. No, seriously, it totally did.

I don't want to spoil it for you. Check out the whole thing. It's brilliantly sculpted, and makes you feel better about living in a country where civil liberty and political integrity have been sacrificed on the altar of totalitarianist-driven profit. We've got a considerable bunker of evil hawks nesting in D.C., and we'll need to clean up their guano come election time.

I don't so much care if the new resident of the White House is DEM or GOP, just that he or she doesn't waste time on saving face for the previous occupant, doesn't point fingers (we all know where they're going to be pointed at), and just starts rebuilding this country's political, moral capital. We've got a new century to explore, and some serious housekeeping to do before we get down to business.

What the war in Iraq costs us each second

How much money are we dumping in the Iraq War...conflict...civil support insertion...what the hell is it really anyway? Anywho, I'm sure you might hear all kinds of things about spending bills, and how Dubya vetoes them saying that he's not going to enforce an artificial timeline, but when it comes down to it, do you know how much it's costing us as a nation or you as a member of your city?

Well, the folks at the National Priorities Project have put together something that helps you visualize how much the war costs, and at what rate the money is being spent. You can also see the national cost ticker in the upper right hand of this blog. If you visit this site, which is part of the NPP, you can dynamically see how the cost affects your state, and your closest city. You also have the option of seeing how the money that we're spending on the conflict could have been used to resolve huge national concerns like children's health, public education, college scholarships, and public housing. There's also some features that allow you to calculate how war costs trade-offs directly impact your congressional district. Think the war is far away? Uh-uh...it's being fought out of your back pocket right now...that second of time involved the cost of about $1,667 of national taxpayer money that was just thrown on the pyre.

Even if you're a die-hard neo-con you're going to wince at the money we're wasting. That is unless you have holdings in an industry that supports military efforts in Iraq.

If the money doesn't bother you, then think about what Mark said in his recent piece, "Oh Right, We're Still At War":

Me, I like to imagine the babies. I like to imagine all the children born back in 2003 (or 2001, if you count the equally failed Afghan campaign), the Year of Brutal Idiocy, the Year It All Went Wrong, the Year America Jumped the Shark.

All these children born at the war's beginning are well over 4 years old now. They are walking, talking, speaking in complete sentences with more complexity and coherence than the president himself. And for their entire lives, America has been at war. They have never known a day where we have been at peace, where we haven't lived under this bitter cloud of rampant incompetence, violence, a deep sadness, a sense that something has gone very, very wrong with the American idea, and no one really has any clue how to fix it. How will they be affected? What sort of perception of a broken, lost America will they have drilled into their baffled little bones?

Which leaves us right here, in this murky no-man's-land of vague dis-ease, this foul, anesthetized place where our brutal-war-that-isn't-really-a-war has become the norm, a time when it feels like we as a country should be getting stronger and should be leading the world in everything from peacekeeping to environmentalism to medicine to technology, and yet we have this giant, bloodstained monkey on our backs, violent and ugly and still shockingly strong, and he is laughing, cackling at our feeble attempts to shake ourselves free, even as he eats at our soul.

Makes me think of what was going on in Afghanistan when I was a kid back in the 80s. Doesn't seem like much has changed. I think it's time to start focusing on rebuilding alliances, acknowledging mistakes, and moving forward. So far it seems like we've been in a circling pattern waiting for...an exit plan that takes us through Iran?

Can we stop the trajectory in which we're currently, seemingly locked? 2008 baby. Let your voice and vote do the talking.

Baby, I'll totally hook you up with a tri-level rooftop garden penthouse downtown

What would you say if I was a stock broker, and had managed thousands of Fortune 500 portfolios, including companies represented in your 401k holdings? You'd want me to maintain a public perception of stability and integrity, right: an erect member of the community ever pointing truthward on the moral compass of the financial landscape, yes? Of course you would.

Now say that I had this squeeze on the side, and I wanted to make sure that she knew how deep my pockets is. I wanted this girl to feel this here game, you know wha'm sayin? Word. So... say I slide a couple thousand Berkshire Hathway shares my company owns right on into my lady's account, ya'll ain't gonna trip, right? It's all good, right? Don't hate the playa, hate the game, right?

Then let's say that someone got wind of this little fiduciary collusion, and made a big stink about it [Sheesh...haters]. Say people wanted to fire me for this little itty-bitty thing. Then suppose that my old boss, who just happens to crash at the White House, comes out and supports me in my time of need because he and I go waaaaayyyy back. We used to roll P-gon style back when I was in the DOD.

Would you trip? Would you think it unethical that I did this?

OK, what if instead of managing stocks I was the President of the World Bank and instead of sliding my lady shares of B-H, I hooked her up with a phat compensation package that broke bank rules and smacked of nepotism and was just generally irresponsible. Would you be concerned if I did this?

What if you had some bigshots from the current executive administration make comments like these:

'"What we've said is, yeah, he made mistakes," [White House spokesperson Tony] Snow said. "That pretty much is obvious. On the other hand, it's not a firing offense."'

'"It doesn't seem to be the kind of thing that you would want to see the dismissal of the World Bank president over," [Secretary of State Condi] Rice said. "I hope it will be resolved in a way that is true to what really happened there but also strengthens the bank, which is a really important institution," she added.'

Would it seem like an ironic slap in the face with a metal studded glove laced with salty lemon juice when you know that the World Bank exists to fight poverty on a global scale?

I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that it's highly probable that I shouldn't remain in the capacity of President, as these actions could be construed as...evil? irresponsible? callous? selfish? a manifestation of a propensity for rolling big pimpin' style? Any one of which doesn't really mesh with the goals of the Bank, given that, y'know, there are like people starving and shit, and I'm like hooking up my girlfriend with stupid cash.

If you haven't guessed, I'm like TOTALLY Paul Wolfowitz.

Let me take it one step further, and say that it casts a further shade, characterized by twilight, upon an administration that continues to fail to offer any kind of accountability, which further amplifies the message to the American people and our global neighbors that this country's leadership lacks a moral core. Please mind that I'm referring to the current White House administration, and not the American people. I'm betting that Americans are hungry for some changes in policy and political attitudes. It's frustrating to know that our children will be paying decades for eight years of bad choices made by one President.

Now you can finally buy your friends

Someone recently sold their myspace account on ebay. She (according to the picture) had over 100,000 friends. There were all these other great perks about the account (no domain profile registered, early account, etc.) and someone bought it for over $2,000.

I just missed winning the bid, and I'm so sad. As a result of my myspace participation I've scored so many virtual hot dates and landed so many virtual job interviews, and made some awesome virtual friends with people who didn't just want me because I have wonderfully juicy healthy organs that could be sold for a hearty profit on the black market.

If I could've won that stupid bid, I would've been set in my virtual world. I'd never need to leave the house. Sassypants27 and bigmikedogrules95 would've kept me informed on everything. I totally heart those guys.

Actually, in retrospect, I think if I would've won the bidding, I would've given the account to that guy I see when I walk to the train from work. He stands on a corner and just watches people go by. He looks all rugged and lonely, and I think he'd really have benefited from all those friends more than me. They could've given him a virtual home, virtual clean clothes, and virtual food.

Well, I can't do anything about it now. Guess I'll just see if ebay will let me bid on that guy's Blackness.

I'm responsible for AIDS and the Internet

I created, and disseminated the AIDS virus by injecting myself with an al-Qaeda engineered virus then vomited bodily fluids into the flesh wound of a green monkey, thus infecting it. I then took this monkey to the market place and let him bite children and their mothers.

A few years later I invented the Internet. Al Gore is full of horse manure and DARPA got all its good ideas from me.

Not to be outdone by my supremely planned maneuver of gassing Kurds, I seeded the skies with highly magnetized nanofibers and stimulated them with a device I invented in order to cause Hurricane Katrina.

I'm the real owner of Halliburton, and Dick takes his orders from me.

Karl Rove and I ate at the same MacDonald's as children. He was such a bully...always taking my barbecue sauce into which I loved to dip my McNuggets. May Allah cause his condiments to sour forever more. I also gave him his nickname that the Bush president claims to have originated. Slandering false-truth spouting infidel.
I cloned Thomas Edison using a fingernail snagged on the first light bulb, then forced the infidel to work for me in an underground lab in Afghanistan. His computer network is now a highly prized multi-racked farm of PS3s, which he uses to run my various terrorist-themed simulations.

I invented wide-necked t-shirts, which Armani now sells for over $250 a piece. How do you think I'll pay for the mercenaries to spring me from Gitmo? Royalties, baby. I invented them, too, then told the dirty Americans how to use them. Now I have them right where I want them. I will again cause a U.S. recession of unimagined magnitude. How? I positioned Ben S. Bernanke to replace Greenspan....muah-hah-hah-hah!I created Scientology by giving L. Ron Hubbard an overdose of LSD, from which he never fully recovered. His hallucinations came to fruition in his construction of the existence of Thetans. This being said, you must know that Tom Cruise is a walking timebomb, trained to kill should I decide to utter the keyword from my powerfully hairy voicebox. All that kung-fu mumbo-jumbo he learned in all those Mission Impossible films was merely a facade to cloak my sinister plot of using him to kill the Queen, as depicted in "The Naked Gun", which I also adapted for the silver screen.

Kenneth Eng is my crowning cybernetic achievement in the sublime art of nonsensical, pedantic and sophomoric interpretations of solipsism, superseded solely by me as he was merely endowed with a fraction of my engrams.

Lastly, I am the real father of Britney Spears' children. She could not resist my powerful hairy charms. K-Fed was a robot I constructed to make everything look appear normal. Now she is crazy because I am not available to shave her nether-regions The paparazzi, which I invented, ate up the lies I wove into my rich tapestry of invention and innovation.

Newt G: stupid, lying, hypocritical, conservative favorite

Poetic justice. When it strikes, it's sweet yet savory.

Remember the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal? You know, where we spent millions of our tax dollars investigating President Clinton because he lied about getting a blowjob from an intern (by the way - not a big deal)? The one where Newt Gingrich himself threw down the gauntlet of "American family values" by making the Contract with America? Well, recently G-funk admitted that he was having an extra-marital affair while fanning the flames of investigation on Clinton's behavior.

Oh, that's sooo rich. The irony and hypocrisy are thick like the sludge in Cheney's circulatory system. Eff you, Newt. Don't try even try to spin this one. You're full of poo and smell like it too. In retrospect I didn't say enough critical things about you.

Interestingly enough, ol' Newt dawg is also still very popular with Republican conservatives. Um. Is something not clicking with these people? Would you still vote for this guy in 2008, as he might be a potential candidate? This is the same guy who indirectly blamed Americans in Louisiana for their own plight during Hurricane Katrina:

How can you have the mess we have in New Orleans, and not have had deep investigations of the federal government, the state government, the city government, and the failure of citizenship in the Ninth Ward, where 22,000 people were so uneducated and so unprepared, they literally couldn’t get out of the way of a hurricane.

Don't want to read the whole article? Well, here's the video. Good job, Newt. Smile for the camera, you bigoted, ignorant, racist stink-monkey. I love to watch you crashing and burning.