Friday, July 20, 2007

Why does Tom Cruise have to ruin every film?

Seriously one film in the past 7 years starring Tom Cruise that you liked.

OK, "The Last Samurai" was good, but that's only because it starred Ken Watanabe...and Cruise didn't even commit hari-kari with his war buddy at the end? He was supposed to be the LAST samurai. White Tiger...pphhhht.

"War of the Worlds" you ask? I wouldn't waste a blank DVD burning that one...if I were so inclined to participate in that legally fuzzy area of "archival".

OK..."Collateral" was pretty good because he didn't do his typical character: cocky ill-founded upstart has life-changing moment and redeems himself and saves at least up to 1/2 the population of the world...or at least the Church of Scientology.

I think the last decent film he made in which he wasn't a total tool was "Jerry Maguire". You know the film in which his supporting actor, Cuba Gooding, Jr. won an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor, then spent the next 10 years doing Eddie Murphy Daddy Daycare rip offs? Where's the cosmic harmony in that? Cuba has the kwan, Tom...not you.

So when I heard that Bryan Singer and Award-winning screenwriter Christopher McQuarrie (the two worked on the amazing "The Usual Suspects") were doing another film, Valkyrie, together I was fired up. Stoked. Juiced. 'Nads pumped. I was excited. Then I heard Tom Cruise was going to play the protagonist in the film, which (in a nutshell) is about Col. Claus von Stauffenberg, a German officer within Hitler's circle, and who led an attempt to bring down the Nazi regime from within and end the war by planting a bomb in Hitler's bunker.
Sounds pretty good, eh? Well not when 'ol Xenu poster-boy is playing Stauffenberg! I swear he's doing this just so he can get in with the Germans, because they sooo detest his "religion". Why does he have to take a role that would be better left to anyone with real screen chops? Jake Gyllenhaal? Christian Bale? Shit, even Kiefer Sutherland makes more sense.

Anyway, I will probably see it because of the director and screenwriter, and because of the other cast members, and I actually feel ok about seeing Tom Cruise in it because I know his character dies. Don't get me wrong...I hate Nazis as much as the next sane person. They're the best enemy to have in a shooter game outside of hellish mutants, andI love taking them out with close-range headshots, and I wish that Stauffenberg succeeded. I just like it when Tom Cruise's characters die in the end. Call me petty, but I'm not the one who has to brainwash women to become his podling bride.

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