Friday, July 27, 2007

Prez Dick Cheney...Dick Boom?

Quite possible the most disturbing fact of Dubya's recent surgery was the fact that during the time of his medically-induced unconsciousness where doctors removed polyps from his colon (they were really lumps of Playdoh he ate, thinking they were dumplings) Cheney assumed the role of President of 'Merka.

I totally neglected to note this, but Mark Morford from did not. Oh man is his piece good.

While most Americans were completely unaware that the temporary transfer had taken place, the response from the collective body was nevertheless nearly instantaneous, as millions across the nation reported feeling some sort of unnerving wave of dread, something dark and ominous and stifling, like a collective shudder, a giant musty pillow jammed over the mouth of life itself, a great, low moan of deep, chthonic pain.

The stories were as shocking as they were, you know, titillating. "We were totally having wicked sex in the tailgate of my Subie," said Brandon "Bran Flakes" Zander, 22, a surfer from Redondo Beach, sitting next to his "smokin' hot" girlfriend, Amber, 19. "When all of a sudden, right in the middle of the good s--, boom, everything sorta went limp, you know? Like some dude yanked the plug from the love toaster, right? We just sorta look at each other like, WTF? We decided to fire up a spliff and wait it out."

"Two little words," said Dr. Alan Lenner of the Phenomenology Research Institute in Bethesda, MD, glancing around nervously as if his next utterance would cause lightning to strike him dead. 'President Cheney,'" he whispered. At that exact moment, a woman's terrible scream could be heard in the distance, a pack of wolves howled, and once again that long, low moan reverberated throughout the land. No, seriously, it totally did.
I don't want to spoil it for you. Check out the whole thing. It's brilliantly sculpted, and makes you feel better about living in a country where civil liberty and political integrity have been sacrificed on the altar of totalitarianist-driven profit. We've got a considerable bunker of evil hawks nesting in D.C., and we'll need to clean up their guano come election time.

I don't so much care if the new resident of the White House is DEM or GOP, just that he or she doesn't waste time on saving face for the previous occupant, doesn't point fingers (we all know where they're going to be pointed at), and just starts rebuilding this country's political, moral capital. We've got a new century to explore, and some serious housekeeping to do before we get down to business.

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