Wednesday, April 11, 2007

To Microsoft: My mom is the best mom ever

Microsoft is hosting a competition where gamers are invited to submit an essay that details how their moms are hardcore gamers. Winners will be awarded the new Xbox360 Elite and $100 gift certificate for flowers.

Well, here's my entry. Mom, if I win, I will need to make sure that the system works properly before I send it to you. You WILL get the flowers on time. Some of you will not get the gaming references, but rest assured, my mom is a diehard player, who TOTALLY hearts shooters. Sort of.

Dear Mr. Microsoft,

I grew up in the womb listening to the sounds of "Snake!?...SNNAAAAAAAAKE!", as my mom played Metal Gear Solid. She rested the controller on her belly, and chuckled each time the Ninja Cyborg would say, "Hurt me more!" For my fifth birthday, mom bought me a Raiden t-shirt, but I totally hated it, as I always thought he was a bit of a pansy. But when my mom looked into my face as I held the Hanes Beefy T screenprint up to my body to approximate the fitting, I smiled big and wide and told her I loved it. Mom always meant well, and she loved the game so much that if I hadn't worn the t-shirt at least once a week, she would've taken me to see a "talking doctor."

When the Xbox and Halo came out, she wouldn't let me go to school and she didn't go to work until we had both finished the game twice, and fragged each other in multiplayer mode. She didn't really like the fact that the first game in the series didn't support online multiplayer action, but she was pleasantly surprised by Halo 2. I'd come home from school, help dad prepare supper, then go into the entertainment room where mom would be blasting some online combatant in the face with the shotgun. She told me, "Son, Mommy totally hearts the shotgun." She always said that: "Mommy hearts this," or "Mommy hearts that."

Well, now that mom is under investigation for software piracy (she started modding Xbox and PS2 systems in the early 2000s in addition to burning and selling copied games on ebay), the FBI won’t let her out of the house or receive shipments of any kind. I really want to be able to bring her an Xbox 360 Elite for Mother’s Day. I figured out a way to sneak it in…Agent Smith totally hearts Car and Driver, and if I wave a copy under his nose and mention the article on the prototype cerami-plastid V10 block in the Dodge Hyper Viper, I know he won’t notice the large rectangular box shape in my backpack. All I need is Microsoft to help me help my mom by awarding her the Xbox 360 Elite.

She’s a good person, and if anything can be said about her, it’s that she’s TOO hardcore. The FBI is eventually going to make her develop simulation games for "training" purposes as part of her plea bargain, but what she’s really looking forward to is playing Gears of War and ultimately, Halo 3. She’s dying to play, Mr. Microsoft. Please help me make my mom’s Mother’s Day the best one ever.


gamertag: CmdSgtMaj


david santos said...

Good work! Thank you. Have a good day.

Zac said...

I totally <3 Raiden!