Oakland needs superheroes

Nobody's put it out there yet, so I'm going to go out on a limb.

We need superheroes in Oakland. A Watchmen-like troupe would suffice. A seething mass of face-punching justice wranglers who can instill a sense of loss and mortality in the d-bags who are robbing local restaurants in the Oakland area. Most people have eaten at least one of these restaurants in the area. I can't back this up on e-paper...I don't have the results of a properly structured social study...but there some discrete quantitative data points numbering three or more (indicating a trend) that concisely tell us that this phenomena is increasing.

We don't need to arm the populace. We just need superheroes.

We need a few people who know what's going down, and where it's going down, so they can be there when it goes down, and twist fools. Someone, somewhere knows where the next round of robberies is going to be. Someone knows who's going to do it. That means the heist is avoidable, or, shall we say, conducive to bringing the proper big scary people who knock down doors and beat/maim/kill...fine...apprehend the bad guys.

We need people who can roll through to Ron Dellums' pad, sneak into his room, nudge him awake from his cozy Depends fortified slumber, whisper in his ear: "You are not doing your job Mr. Mayor...the Edgerlies of your city are running it...do something now, or we will."

We need Chip Johnson to be granted superpowers, so he can bust on fools who pistol-whip workers and patrons, package them for pickup for the cops, then take pictures of the perps, and then post them in his column where he'll expose their names and addresses.

Then...once a semblance of safety is returned to the streets of Oakland, we can turn our attention to the rotting, decrepit, desiccated, and corrupt zombie-like corpse we call City Hall and perform some major reconstructive surgery.

So far I haven't been able to find any postings on Craigslist offering superhero services (although someone's selling a superhero suit). If anyone finds one, please comment with the contact info, so I can get in touch with the person and discuss the role and compensation.