According to schedule

Today is my last day of chemo before taking a week off to prep for the SBRT radiation treatment I'll be doing in order to both kill and shrink the tumor that's wrapped around some of my critical blood vessels. The plan is to get the tumor to move back from some of the vessels, so that surgeons (who I hope will study the scan results well before a couple days before a scheduled surgery) see less risk involved with the removal of the tumor and some surrounding tissue and organs (see Whipple Procedure), coupled with some vascular reconstruction.

I am indescribably impatient for some of this waiting and sitting to end. I am happy that the SBRT only takes 5 days (although I'm not looking forward to the daily drives to Stanford Hospital from my house), and logically comprehend that it's going to take 4 weeks to wait (while doing more chemo) and see the results of the treatment, but emotionally I'm fucking done with this waiting. I want to get back to my life.

I wish I could just duke it out with this little bastard, and rub its mindless little face in the dirt, and then walk away - keeping this entire experience in perspective, of course. When I think back to some of the things I used to stress about, I could slap myself. I'm looking forward to days where I get in a sticky situation, and say to myself, "If it's not cancer, then chill for moment, and we'll figure this bitch out. It's not that serious."

I never thought I'd need to deal with applying for short or long term disability, COBRA insurance, or worry about pre-existing conditions when considering future medical coverage, and now I find myself on the front lines of it all, coupled with the fact that I've got this little fucker in me, and things aren't moving fast enough for me to get it the hell out.

I am thankful for my family, friends, and relative strangers who have been unbelievably kind, supportive in ways that remind me that despite all the horror we're exposed to in the our daily lives, our humanity and compassion is uncompromising.

That being said, I plan on fighting the socio-political precursors of a potential zombie apocalypse (or in the worse case being able to fight off the infected ranks), and invite you all to join me.

For all my family/friends in the East, I love you guys. Stay safe and dry.