Monday, November 26, 2007

Heart: it's not just the classic rock female duo

VP Cheney's doctors found that he had an irregular heartbeat today.

[wait for it]

Most of his physicians were more surprised by the fact that they even found a heartbeat at all.

"I've been his doctor for over 10 years, and I've never heard more than a rattling rusty nail type sound coming my stethoscope", said a physician identifying himself as "'one of Cheney's caregivers'".

The White House was quick to issue a statement designed to deflate concern. In it, White House spokesperson, Dana Perino, indicated that Cheney had already been released from the hospital, and was enjoying some leisurely quail hunting on his friend's ranch and was contentedly shooting his GOP backers in their faces.

When asked for a comment, his Dark Lord and Creator Satan replied, "Dick is a helluva guy. He's done a bang-up job up there, and if it was up to me I'd let him stay on Earth for the next 2 millennia. Hell, if I did, I wouldn't need to worry about how to usher in the Apocalypse! Ol' Dead Eyes would handle it for me. But, there are rules. I was playing poker with the Axis leaders from dubbleya dubbleya two, and lost to Stalin. We'd played on who'd receive the honor for killing more of his own people, and it looks like Cheney's gonna lose that one. Sorry Dick! You can fault that sneaky Russian for killing his own soldiers, but he's a truly a skilled gentleman at Texas Hold 'Em"

When asked for his comments, Sen. Trent Lott indicated he wished his GOP buddy the best, saying that he'd always held the Number 2 spot in his 'private list of favorites', the Number 1 being reserved for Sen. Strom Thurmond (ret), of course. Then after banging his left fist over his left chesticle, he threw up a deuce, kissed it, threw down the mic, yelled out "I'm audi-5 bitches!", walked through the crowd and said "and when I leave, come together like butt cheeks". AP reporters took this as an indication that Sen. Lott was tendering his resignation.

While there is a risk that VP Cheney could develop blood clots which could result in aneurysms and thus a stroke, most Americans polled didn't seem to find this to be much of a concern, as the President was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor, stunning his physicians who had collectively agreed that there were no indications that he ever possessed a brain. Indeed, all Presidential cranial imaging on file indicated that his skull housed visions of sugarplum fairies, which doctors theorize danced through his head.

Needless to say, should the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi becomes President, Mitt Romney vowed to return to his Mormon roots and give up his run for the Oval Office: a statement which drew cheers from reporters covering today's monumental events.

please note: this is not real news, as it's not fair to link Satan and VP Cheney...that would be unfair to Satan (thanks Ann Coulter!)

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