The menu at the back of the book

I finished Lamb, and what did I find at the end of the book? A mystery recipe? A menu for the week? The last item on the list made me think of how I might feel at the end of the week after preparing more laborious meals...I just want something that requires the same level of preparation as cereal. The punctuation, spacing, and formatting I've tried to retain from the source. I've fixed some spelling...I think.

Given the subject matter of the text, I found the references to matzo made in honor of the characters, but then the Mediterranean cuisine also made me think that the person was of Roman descent, and felt guilty and had to throw in the matzo as a peace offering. However, I keep coming back to the last item, which totally throws me for a loop.

- 1 chix breast
+ cream in processor,
mayo, some mustard or curry

- spread on matzo w/tomato + cube.
-------------------------------
pasta + prosciutto w/ tomato + fresh herbs
4 oz wine
-------------------------------
gnocci w/ marinara or pesto
+ shaved parmesan
-------------------------------
italian sausage w/ peppers + onions
black pepper too
-------------------------------
grits + scrambled eggs

By the way, the book wrapped up just as well as it could. I recommended it to everyone, so sorry if I got all pedantic on the topic, but faith and humor go so well together that I couldn't stop myself.

You should read this book because it's good

You know you're to expect something irreverent and provoking when you read one of Christopher Moore's books...especially when the title is Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Friend. Check out the samples available from this site...you can't read the entire book, but you can definitely get a feel for it.

It's like reading something Mel Brooks, Kurt Vonnegut, and Monty Python would've constructed after drinking pints of ale laced with "special" mushrooms, whose use, of course, I cannot condone.

If you're at all familiar with basic tenets of Judaism, Christianity, and Buddhism, or you're a reformed member of one or all of these faiths, then you'll have a blast. If you're Dubya, you'll have to look up big words like "sarcasm", and even if you're Mark Foley or Tom Haggard then you'll have a wonderful time knowing that while you are sinning, hypocritical, meth-tweaking neo-Inquisitional acolyte you're not alone, and that with a little moderation and some therapy you're going to be okay.

I've read most of his books, but so far this has been my favorite. Maybe it was all the churchin' I had when I was younger, and my boyish fascination with how in the hell did some of those Old Testament guys live to be 600 years old, but I found this to be a read to which I could relate.

There's religion, cursing, lots of sex, violence, and scimitar wit involved throughout the tale, which basically is a chronicling of Joshua's (Jesus Christ) life in that missing section in the Bible where his formative years of life are glossed over. Biff (named for the sound of a hand smacking one upside the head) is Josh's best friend, and they travel throughout the Biblical land searching for the spark of man, so Josh can become the Messiah. Don't let all the bible stuff salt you.

Mary of Magdalene is a hottie, with whom Biff is smitten.
The roots of Jews eating Chinese food on Christmas, and the "true" origin of the Shroud of Turin are revealed.
You meet the 3 wise men in greater detail. One of them has 8 concubines, and keeps a demon locked in a room within his fortress.
You learn why, under certain circumstances, Jews can eat bacon.
Jesus farted.
Judo was invented for Jesus.

If you're easily ruffled, then this book is for you. You can take it to your hate groups and hate on it. If you like to laugh at yourself and others in a constructive and creative way, then it's also for you.

The big stem cell in the sky

Let's recap a life (points summarized from an AP article):

• His father and his grandfather were militant atheists, he wrote in his autobiography. He said his father made a fortune off his businesses — including bootlegging during Prohibition. [cool!]
• As a student, he was a star athlete and a prankster who was barred from giving his high school valedictorian's speech after he was caught using counterfeit lunch tickets his senior year. [shocking behavior! what a cad!]
• He ran with a gang of juvenile delinquents before becoming a born-again Christian at age 19. [you little rapscallion!]
• He turned down an offer to play professional baseball and transferred from Lynchburg College to Baptist Bible College in Springfield, Mo.
• The fundamentalist church he started in an abandoned bottling plant in 1956 grew into a religious empire that included the 22,000-member Thomas Road Baptist Church, the "Old Time Gospel Hour" carried on television stations around the country and 7,700-student Liberty University, which began as Lynchburg Baptist College in 1971.
• He had once opposed mixing preaching with politics, but he changed his view and in 1979, founded the Moral Majority. The political lobbying organization grew to 6.5 million members and raised $69 million as it supported conservative politicians and campaigned against abortion, homosexuality, pornography and bans on school prayer. [good for you - making Momma proud!]
• In 1983, U.S. News & World Report named him one of 25 most influential people in America. [wow! America must be scary!]
• In 1984, he sued Hustler magazine for $45 million, charging that he was libeled by an ad parody depicting him as an incestuous drunkard. A federal jury found the fake ad did not libel him, but awarded him $200,000 for emotional distress. That verdict was overturned, however, in a landmark 1988 U.S. Supreme Court decision that held that even pornographic spoofs about a public figure enjoy First Amendment protection. [damn liberal court system!]
• In 1987, he took over the PTL (Praise the Lord) ministry in South Carolina after Jim Bakker's troubles. he slid fully clothed down a theme park water slide after donors met his fund-raising goal to help rescue the rival ministry. He gave it up seven months later after learning the depth of PTL's financial problems. Largely because of the Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart scandals, donations to his ministry dropped from $135 million in 1986 to less than $100 million the following year. Hundreds of workers were laid off and viewers of his television show dwindled. [awww...poor Bakker and Swaggert gettin' caught swindlin' all them poor folks...I'll take over your racket!]
• He quit the Moral Majority in 1987, saying he was tired of being "a lightning rod" and wanted to devote his time to his ministry and Liberty University. But he remained outspoken and continued to draw criticism for his remarks. ['cause he couldn't shut up...even when he tried, it just made it worse!]
• In 1999, he told an evangelical conference that the Antichrist was a male Jew who was probably already alive. He later apologized for the remark but not for holding the belief. [see above]
• A month later, his National Liberty Journal warned parents that Tinky Winky, a purple, purse-toting character on television's "Teletubbies" show, was a gay role model and morally damaging to children. [what did I say]
• Days after Sept. 11, 2001, he essentially blamed feminists, gays, lesbians and liberal groups for bringing on the terrorist attacks. He later apologized. [what? space aliens aren't fault?!]

Who is he? Well, if you didn't already peep the link above, you'd know he was Jerry Falwell. His actions speak to his...eccentricity? insanity? After looking at how he started to wrap up his role as moral commentator, I bet the world must've been a scary and unfamiliar place. It's a good thing that surgery and arterial stents are ethical, moral, and biblical, otherwise he might not have been around to see the ball drop in 2006. Thanks for the lessons, Jer. Now we know what NOT to do.

As a minor digression, it's interesting how the word "fundamental" was used to describe certain Christian groups like Falwell's Moral Majority. It basically inferred that they were a large group of voters who don't tolerate gays, non-white folks, people who don't think like members of a like cult...in my opinion. Now it's a word getting some negative press because of certain "fundamentalist" Islamic groups. And while many Islamic states have historically shared a hybrid church-state government, throw in the trend of American government getting to home base with our Puritanical roots, and we have a wonderful little board game of Risk all laid out for us. Thanks for helping making the world a more polarized place, Jer!

It's so sweet. These two factions wanting to destroy a global community and eliminate all non-believers...I'm sure it's just what Jesus and Mohammed had in mind.

Speaking of mind and coherent thought, I also wonder what Jerry and the Moral Majority would've done when had Reagan was in office and been grossly afflicted with Alzheimer's...would Ron and Nancy still find their support from Jerry's mob? For that matter, what did Jerry think about Dick Cheney's daughter, who happens to be a lesbian? Did that create a dilemma for him? Maybe he shorted out like so many AIs on Star Trek, where Capt. Kirk always "out-logicked" an alien supercomputer.

Speaking of supercomputers, I'm sure Kurt Vonnegut is staring down at from his celestial Tralfamadorian vessel and chuckling as ol' Jer is being stewed in order to make tallow for candles for the kids being served by the World Bank.

For more Jerry related material, check out the plethora of video material readily available on Youtube. I recommend the Pat Robertson-Jerry Falwell make out *parody* from Family Guy.

Rich and value-driven content for the whole family!

I think you should all check out this wonderful family film once the Church of Family Values and Prudence approves the use of the machine-gun leg.


Finally...proof that immigrants are taking American jobs. This is shocking and heart-wrenching stuff. Hold your loved ones close while viewing...it's new...it's here...it's video content from theonion.


Condi goes to meet with the emperors of the Orient. I especially like the fact that the jet takes the same course as a water-borne vessel.