Noble Nobel Prize

Dubya will be known as a great president. Great in the sense that:

• his butchering of the English language was complete and pronounced
• he consistently marred the global perception of American democracy and liberty
• his drinking and drug habits rivaled those of coca lords portrayed in Miami Vice
• he probably did more to widen the chasm between the rich and poor, a more than any other president since Reagan
• he ushered in a new wave of privacy violations (I'm looking at you Patriot Act and illegal wiretapping)
• he exuded the general complacency and smug attitude that afflicts Americans, thereby maintaining the status quo, and (it could be argued) accelerated the process of dumbening that we've witnessed in recent years
• he unswerving demonstrated his lack of interest and responsibility in global warming (remember the 1997 Kyoto Protocol?) and essentially whored himself out to corporate sponsorship and 'market-based' solutions.
  

I could go on...okay, let's at least honor the wonderful contributions he made to the state of Texas in his 1994 term as governor when he made it legal to carry concealed weapons and supported laws against sodomy. I think this was also the same term in which he so famously mocked the soon-to-be executed Karla Faye Tucker. Classy G-Dub! You da man!

Yes, folks, he was the 'compassionate conservative'.

But you know who was the greatest un/almost-President of recent years? Al Gore. You know the guy who won the popular vote but lost the electoral college votes back in the 2000 election? Yeah that guy. It might've been the best thing that ever happened to him, and to the issue of global warming (eff that politically correct 'climate change' nonsense).

Today Gore and the U.N.'s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. In 2006, he won an Academy Award for his documentary, An Inconvenient Truth. Here he is from Barbara Boxer's fundraising event this Thursday in San Francisco. You can see what he has to say about his nomination, which was ratified today.

It's like the rest of the world is saying, we know, America. We know 2008 and the future years will be better. These past 8 years have been hard on us all, but we know that we're going to be able to get on with our plan to make this place better for everyone, and it's people like this who are going to be instrumental in making this happen.

Is that a Tesla in your pocket?

Condi recently rode in the Tesla, a 100% electric vehicle that outperforms most cars on the road today and boasts a decent driving range on a single charge (about 200 miles). I think the driver is telling her, "you like that vibrating seat? It's powered by the gleam of your smile, hot stuff. Whaddya say we lay into the lithium capacitors and get you some ungassed glow, girl?"

Right now it costs just below $100k, so it's a little pricey. Regardless, it goes to show petrol addicts like GM, Daimler-Chrysler, and Ford that the technology does exist to make cool cars that are solid performers.

Tesla isn't the first fully electric vehicle, you know. The EV1 was leased to a small group of folks. The car did amazingly well, but strangely enough all the cars were recalled and destroyed. General Motors developed the car and managed the leasing program. When pressed for a reason why they were cancelling the lease program and recalling the vehicles, they stated that they could not sell enough of the cars to make the venture profitable. A questionable fire safety issue was used to legitimize the recall.

uh...hello...Prius cars being more valuable after they drive off the dealership?

Check out the video of Rice touring with the Tesla.

Empirical evidence is for sissies and commies

Global warming is such a joke. It's such a fear ploy enacted by politicians and money hungry environmentalists. Everyone knows that temperature change is dictated by the glorious breath of the Lord. When He inhales, it's chilly (thanks for the snow, Lord!) and when he exhales, it's warm (thanks for letting us wear shorts, Lord!). Anyone who suggests otherwise is a crackpot commie sissie who just wants to eat granola and hug trees.

The Breath Theory holds true throughout history. The Lord's breath explains why we're now seeing Warming Island (thanks for the clever name, Lord!).

In 1985 it looked like this:

In 2005 it looked like this:

Thank you, Lord for breathing your cold and hot breath on this island to show us that carbon emissions don't really help blanket the earth and help keep heat trapped. Also, please don't smote me in your wrath, as I do not subscribe to the high-falootin', "scientific", and heretical beliefs of Al Gore. Damn him and his snake-oil travelling salesman talents. You were right to give the election to Dubya, as he's a pinnacle of intelligence, tact, and integrity.

Would God walk or drive to support reducing carbon emissions?

If ever someone summed up how caring about the air became a "liberal" plot to undermine family values, then it would be Jon Carroll. Did you see his piece in the Chronicle?

Excerpt:

One of the stranger things to happen in recent political discourse -- and this is a crowded field -- is the morphing of global warming into a left-wing plot, a conspiracy by godless scientists to ... well, it's not clear what benefit the scientists get from spreading lies about global warming. Maybe they just want research money to study this nonexistent warming thing.

I have a pretty good idea where that meme started. If you believe that global warming is man-made, then you believe that greenhouse gases are a bad thing. If you believe they're a bad thing, you believe they should be reduced. And reducing greenhouse gases would mean using less petroleum, in all its myriad forms. And since the current administration is dedicated to the protection of petroleum companies, it is only natural that it would try to convince its base that somehow global warming is being promoted by the same people who approve of gay marriage, abortion and secular schools.

It gets better. There's detailed information on the backgrounds of folks who Dubya nominated to government positions that could affect the environment on a global scale. Since when did caring about your progeny and the biosphere we'll leave them become a bad thing?

Those damned bespectacled eggheads with their "facts" and their "knowledge". What do they know about [wait for it] coming straight from the gut? Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book.

Seriously, though. The notion of post-partisanship is very appealing, but I don't see the situation getting any better with this administration. 2008 is so close. Please don't let me down, America. Please let's make it better the next time around.

"The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it." Marcus Aurelius

Is Al Gore the new Bill Graham?

He used to be called the "dull" one. Now he's nominated for an Oscar for his documentary, at which nay-sayers (read: people who still think the Earth is flat) scoffed at his "facts" and "scientific evidence". He's also recently announced the July-launching campaign: Save Our Selves — The Campaign for a Climate in Crisis. The concert is set up like Live Aid, and according to the AP, is being euphemistically referred to as "Earth Aid". It's got a stellar list of performers...although so far I haven't seen the Dixie Chicks listed, which would be cool given their take on Dubya.

Yes, this is the same Al Gore who was the U.S. VP for 8 years. Not "Bore", as we used to call him. This guy's got stupid crazy charisma now because it seems like he's really finally doing what he cares about, and couldn't do before as a candidate for the White House. Why? Because he would've scared off the conservative vote with his ridiculous and Satanic comments about this great God-fearing nation of carbon emitters. "HE WANTED TO TAKE AWAY MY GOD-GIVEN SUV (read: 2007 Earth Destroyer)! HE'S A COMMIE PINKO TERRORIST!", they'd say. Then they'd burn their daughters at the stake for doing calculus and smack their wives around, "cuz, they were gittin' uppity".

More than 100 performers are scheduled to appear at the July concerts, including Melissa Etheridge (whose song in "An Inconvenient Truth" is nominated for an Oscar as well), the Foo Fighters, Lenny Kravitz, Sheryl Crow, John Mayer, Duran Duran, Korn, Pharrell, the Black Eyed Peas, Akon, Enrique Iglesias, Faith Hill and Tim McGraw.

Can't you just see Akon smackin' that a-- for global warming awareness?

Relatedly, and I'll be the first to admit I don't have any data on this, so I'm going straight from the gut on this one (did you know there are more nerve endings in your gut than in your head? Look it up, people), I'm postulating that American children's medical needs are the root cause of the failure of the auto industry. Just allow me some room to drift here...it's all tied up in a neat little package for you:

• Cause A: Kids need good medical attention to become happy healthy members of society;
• Cause B: Medical insurance is expensive to pay for out of one's pocket, and employment that provides subsidized healthcare benefits is the ideal solution;
• Factor A: American car manufacturers produce gas-guzzling vehicles that are of shoddy construction and which pollute the environment and keep us fixed on the sweet tit of foreign oil;
• Primary Effect: Kids get sick from breathing in the crap (this is a scientific term) in the air;
• Secondary Effect: Parents go to work to provide for their families/children illnesses brought on by said crap;
• Tertiary Effect (as related by Factor A): American car manufacturers try to cut costs by reducing healthcare benefits for workers or closing plants altogether (here's where carbon emission pollution and healthcare costs implode upon each other);
• Quaternary Effect: Parents lose their jobs and lose healthcare benefits, thus reducing their socio-economic viability in this country, thus reducing the amount of quality medical care their children can receive;
• Quinary Effect: Children of these parents turn into adults and require even more medical coverage in order to combat health problems that could've been addressed during common preventative doctor visits, of which costs would've been subsidized by the auto maker.

I'm still working on the details, but this is the general gist: get rid of American children and replace them with robots powered by Dick Cheney's evil, soul-sucking smile.

Note that this cause-effect model is intertwined with the issue of carbon emission pollution of which the primary effect is global warming, which effects polar ice caps, which...eh...you get the picture.

Prez Junior gets a performance review?

Recently, in his State of the Economy address, Dubya said:

"Government should not decide the compensation for America's corporate executives....[b]ut the salaries and bonuses of CEOs should be based on their success at improving their companies and bringing value to their shareholders...America's corporate boardrooms must step up to their responsibilities...You need to pay attention to the executive compensation packages that you approve. You need to show the world that America's businesses are a model of transparency and good corporate governance."

Just to contextualize his comments, know that this was coming from a man who had a childhood just like you and me. He's a Washington outsider, as he claimed during his initial run for office...you know, his dad was the Ambassador to China, Head of the CIA, Vice-President of the U.S. for 8 years, President of the U.S. for 4 years and ol' Dubya went to Phillips Academy, then off to Yale, then hung out in the Texas Air National Guard during Vietnam, then off to Harvard to get his MBA, then worked in the oil industry, and finally became a small-town governor from the state of Texas: home to Selena! Yay!

Does this mean that we can cut his pay if his approval ratings dip below a threshold? And how do we go about requesting greater transparency of his *rumored* coke habits of old, because that would just be great fun altogether: definitely a clipping for my wallet! Do we get to grade him on his judgements of leaving the Kyoto Agreement when the U.S. is the number 1 emitter of greenhouse gases, and he doesn't want to impose cap limits on businesses? What about inciting a conflict abroad to distract the masses from Dick Cheney's leaky colostomy bag? Can we at least get a better understanding why his spin doctors have him describe the global warming phenomenon with a name like "climate change"? Is that a transparent description? It's kinda like "killed by one's own troops" and "friendly fire" or "shell shock" and "post-traumatic stress disorder".

Dubya probably doesn't care what the press will say about this. Bush thinks the press is 'elitist' because their background isn't in step with average Joe. See my second paragraph and repeat.

2008 is coming. Get ready America.

Sorry. This was supposed to be a shorter post, but I got carried away. You can probably tell that I'm passionate about this topic. I'm transparent that way...

Father proves that evolution hasn't reached all homo sapiens

Now this may be a touchy subject, but I'm just going to have to jump right in to this one.

You've heard about global warming, right? Little thing about pollutive emissions trapping solar energy within the biosphere, thus raising surface temperature of the globe? OK. Good. Apparently, Frosty Hardison, a father of 7 residing in the suburbs or Seattle, WA doesn't believe that humans are the cause. The 43-year-old computer consultant is an evangelical Christian who says he believes that a warming planet is "one of the signs" of Jesus Christ's imminent return for Judgment Day.

[crickets....]

Any of you ever go to Sunday School or see a religious-based horror film? If not, Judgement Day is the day when God takes the great big escalator down from the sky and swoops all the righteous into his bosom, then sweeps all the trash into the fiery pits of Hell where the devil will poke the non-believers (yes, even tribal rainforest people who've never been exposed to the Word of the Lord) in the ass with his pitchfork that he also uses to toss the hay around...which should actually be burning up on contact in Hell, but I digress.

This father didn't want his daughter to watch "An Inconvenient Truth" in school because he felt it's liberal junk, and feels that people (namely Merkins [read "Americans"]) aren't the cause of global warming.

Huh?

What?

The snow melting on the mountains of Mt. Kilimanjaro? The melting of ice shelves at the poles? Correlate this to carbon that we, as a global community are emitting? Consider these points and know that it's a fact that Frosty (not for long!) Hardison drives his Hummer from the mailbox to his front door.

[ok, I can't back up this last one on paper]

No, apparently humans haven't done anything to affect global warming. God is just turning up the temperature of the oven to cook all our little faces into poached treats for his angels on which to snack.

The school board has been doing a bang up job at managing the public frustration at the board's decision to force the teacher to not show the film because she didn't follow proper guidelines (getting permission slips, showing alternative views, etc). Excerpts from an article on sfgate describe the situation:

"I am here to foster healing in our community," [school board member David Larson] said, while noting with sadness that "civility and honest discourse are dying in our country."
What the school board had really intended to do, Larson and school board members insisted, was not to stop schools from teaching the science of global warming, but merely to follow long-standing school board rules that require students to be exposed to "other perspectives" when they view a film like "An Inconvenient Truth."

So they want to be able to provide a "balanced" view of global warming, however, views characterized as balanced weren't articulated. Um...that's because everyone with two double AAs in their brain unit knows that there isn't an alternative and valid [read "scientifically sound"] viewpoint for global warming. The world is heating up because of all the toxic poop-vapors we're putting out into the atmosphere.

The article goes onto say:

Before the board meeting started Tuesday night, several residents buttonholed Larson and asked him if there should be a "balanced" presentation of the Nazi Holocaust, because there are many who deny that it occurred.

"The Holocaust happened," Larson said. "We have evidence and photos. The difference between the Holocaust and the global warming is we don't have photos of what will happen 50 years from now."

Sitting in on this conversation was Walls, the seventh-grade science teacher whose class includes Frosty Hardison's daughter.
"We do have photos of snow melting off Kilimanjaro," Walls, the science teacher who was to show the film, said hopefully.

Un. Be. Leeve. A. Bull. This is just my opinion, but if you were really a Christian wouldn't you be less concerned about whether a documentary is shown in your kid's school and more concerned about your responsibility to the Earth, the home that God gave you?

THIS JUST IN! Frosty postulates that he and his 7 children will all live to be somewhere between 500 and 950 years old, just like Noah! Except of course, they'll be living on an ark and will need to wear sunblock 5000 indoors.